☀️Rediscover an Authentic Life as a Neurodivergent Mum

💛Losing Yourself in Motherhood — It Happens

It’s not just you. So many neurodivergent mums tell me:

“I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Between emotional labour, mental load, advocacy, and the day-to-day chaos, our own identity can blur until we feel more like a role than a person.

That’s where values come in. They’re not just abstract ideas — they’re a lifeline back to your authentic life.

A core pillar of Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT), is the idea of living a congruous, or authentic, life where the decisions and actions we take on a daily basis are aligned with our values. I love using this modality, particularly with my neurodivergent clients and busy mums with a lot on as it is practical, action focused and very easy to use. ACT suggests that when you make decisions that are in line with your core values, you experience greater emotional wellbeing. This is because such decisions are congruent (or aligned) with your true self, leading to a sense of authenticity, achieving purpose and fulfillment. As a neurodivergent person, a values aligned life is a must to avoid burnout and mental wellbeing.

🌈Why Values Help You Lead an Authentic Life as a Neurodivergent Mum

Values are deeply personal. They’re the compass that helps you navigate life, especially when everything feels unclear or overwhelming. Unlike goals or expectations, values aren’t about achieving something — they’re about how you want to live, and who you want to be.

For neurodivergent mums, tuning into your values can be transformative. They help you make decisions that feel right in your body — not just look right on paper. When we are in this flow we are living our most authentic life as neurodivergent mums.

🎭How Values Misalignment is a Reason for Masking

On the other hand, when you make choices that are not aligned with your values, you may experience cognitive dissonance, which can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, or dissatisfaction. It can be exhausting if you have to mask everyday and hide your true self and it can feel difficult to gain a sense of achievement if you are doing things every day that don't align with your values. In fact a lot of neurodivergent masking is not just masking our needs and emotional reactions, but also masking our values and putting them to the side - a recipe for burnout, overwhelm and distress. By contrast, when decisions are in harmony with personal values, you are more likely to experience a sense of purpose and meaning in your life, contributing to better mental health. When you take steps everyday that take you closer to your values, you feel safe, you feel content and you are more likely to see the positives in life.

🪴How having a neurodivergent diagnosis changes our values

When we have big changes in our life, and so much feels different and out of our control, we can sometimes lose sight of our values, or our values can change. This is true for when our kids are born and also when we receive a neurodiversity diagnosis. I have seen people become more concerned with safety and predictability after kids, more focused on kindness, on fun or even more concerned about future generations. Post diagnosis it is really common for parents to become more focused with concepts of equity such as fairness, accessibility and to also default to protection based values of safety, just like when kids are born. As we move through the process of unmasking - we can get closer to the values which we have suppressed for so long. It is important to remind ourselves that evolving and growing values is natural. It shows we are growing too. This is OK.

🌸The importance of checking-in with our values after times of change.

Often after a big change, we sometimes forget to check in on our values and lives to see if they still align. In the midst of busy life, of messy motherhood our values change and evolve in the background but we aren't aware of the shift - we are not conscious of it, we just keep doing the do. We start feeling like something is off and can't put our finger on it. Our levels of dissatisfaction and resentment can increase and we can feel like we are stuck on a treadmill with no control over the speed, no off button and no end in sight. We can feel rudderless and overextend ourselves as we try to do everything for everyone, forgetting about what actually matters to us. So I want to ask you, when is the last time that you checked in with yourself to see what you value today?

💗How values alignment supports mental wellbeing for mums

1. Authentic living releases feel good brain chemicals -

   When we are in touch with our values and are truly honest about what they are - it helps us see who we are at our core. When we do something that aligns with these values, it will trigger off a series of biochemical responses that help us feel good, feel safe and feel content. This will either activate the rewards When we experience this, it lifts our mood, helps us to be more present and more motivated. When we experience something that goes against it, we can end up in an 'amygdala hijack' where the lizard part of your brain takes control and you end up in an extreme flight or fight response. Think about the last time you had a response like this, chances are one of your core values was triggered.
   

2. Authentic living reduces the cognitive load of decision making

   I say this all the time, no person on the planet has enough time and resources to do everything that they want to do, let alone everything that is expected of them. If you focus on this you can always be chasing the next best thing, feel guilty for what you are not doing and feel unhappy with what you do have. Often as parents raising neurodivergent children we are presented with difficult, if not impossible choices where there is no perfect answer. As neurodivergent mums as well, navigating and prioritising can be hard work. It can feel overwhelming. It can be really tough to be in the moment, feel content and grateful. When we are clear on our values, it makes it much easier to prioritise and to make choices and remove the noise. It is a simple choice of which thing is most aligned with my values or will take me closer to them - the rest is just noise. Think about the thousands of decisions you make as a mum raising a neurodivergent child each week (food, education, social activities, work commitments, therapy, advocacy, emotional needs, sensory needs - the list goes on). How much easier would it be if you could look at your values to help make them. How much pressure would that take off? How much lighter would you feel?

3. Authentic living supports purpose, achievement and contentment -

When we have kids, it can be hard some days to feel like we have achieved anything at all and the days can all blend together in a rinse and repeat cycle. How do you get those 'woo hoo' feelings on these days? How do you ever feel like the job is done and work is complete? When we have a strong sense of our values we can find moments in our day when we are truly aligned that brings us joy. We can create the space and the room for things that help us to fill our own cups. For example if you value fun or joy can you find opportunities to bring that into your routine? When you start the day, you can think - what fun will I create today, it is a completely different dynamic - you start the day or week looking for what will spark joy in you and give you a sense of contentment. As parents, if we don't make the opportunities, they won't happen by accident.

4. Values clarity helps us to identify and advocate for our own needs

When we know what we value, it makes it much easier to communicate what we want and need in life. It helps us to explain to others why you might respond in certain ways or why you enjoy or avoid certain things. For example, if you have a strong value for equality and fairness a partner leaving their coffee cup on the bench instead of putting it in the dishwasher, might make you feel like they are putting themselves and their needs above you, you might have a strong emotional reaction. You might feel rage, resentment and disgust. This can feel irrational, but it is because a core value is being trodden on. It can be a different conversation when you can say "I really value fairness, so when you leave a coffee cup on the bench instead of putting it away, I know you don't intend it, but I feel like you see yourself and your time as more important than mine. When you put it straight in the dishwasher, I feel like you see us as equals and that is really important to me - do you think you can try to do that more?" This helps to process what you are feeling and also to explain the why it matters. It provides a clear choice for the other person to step and walk alongside you.

💕How to tackle values conflicts with love and care

We are all different and value different things - and our values do change and evolve over our lifetime. When looking at your own values it is really important to be curious and not judge yourself about what you value and feel. There is no right or wrong, this is just what is important to you and part of who you are.

This can be tricky when our social or cultural identity has shaped us to value certain things and can cause some conflict and it is important to acknowledge and accept this difference and take some time to work through it. It can be uncomfortable in the short term, however in the long term it is a lot more pleasant to lead a life where your values and actions are aligned. For example, as a girl in the 1980s I was taught that putting my needs second to others and not causing discomfort was important, as someone who has a strong value about achievement and making a difference - this was hard to reconcile as to make things better you need to drive change and change is uncomfortable. For years I pushed this down and tried to make myself smaller and they were some of the most frustrating years of my life.

So building on the point above, because it is really important. If you are not honest and accepting with yourself about what your values are, this whole process will not work. We all have items in our wardrobe or things around our house that we have bought for the person we used to be or the person that we wished we were, not the person we actually are.