There is no such thing as 'good' or 'bad' feelings but there are some feelings which are a lot more uncomfortable than others. Often when we have these feelings, sadness, anger, shame, guilt we try and suppress them or we try and push them away. In the moment, this can feel more comfortable than sitting with them. However, when we try to push these things aside, they have a way of building up under the surface, getting bigger and bigger until we are unable to contain them anymore. We then explode, we erupt, we melt down - no longer able to contain them.
This explosion comes with some relief but also makes us feel even more uncomfortable. We often feel guilt at our lack of self control or our 'weakness' and the underlying feelings that caused the explosion still remains. This emotional response and pattern is true, whether you are 7 or 70. As we get older it can take longer to reach that breaking point, however the pattern will still happen.
So how do we break this cycle?
The biggest thing you can do to break the cycle is to identify your feeling and say what it is, whether to yourself or someone else. When helping kids with regulation we call it 'name it to tame it' and it works at any age and it is supported by research. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that participants who accurately labelled their emotions experienced less distress compared to those who didn't. Another study, this time from the Journal of Experimental Psychology, revealed that simply acknowledging negative emotions can actually help reduce their intensity and there are more. So by simply identifying and naming your emotion, you can immediately reduce the intensity of it.
The art of naming emotions
The best news for us busy mums is that this process can be taught to our kids from the age of about 2 and we can do it ourselves in only a few short moments. You don't need a degree or any fancy equipment, you don't need hours and anyone can do it.
The first step is to catch yourself in the moment when you are feeling a feeling. Take a moment to notice your body and how the feeling presents itself. Notice your heart rate, breathing, sensations on your skin, if you are shaking or sweating and where in your body you are feeling discomfort like butterflies or tightness. Notice the thoughts in your mind, don't run with them, but just notice what they are. This will help you to consciously acknowledge it and also to identify it in future.
Now spend a moment to articulate what you think the feeling is starting at the most basic emptions, sad, disgusted, angry, scared, happy, surprised. Get really comfortable with the base level and start using this as often as you can. When you are comfortable identifying this level of feelings, you can delve a bit deeper like I am scared because I am worried or I am scared because I am feeling rejected or I am sad because I am feeling lonely. Take time to play around with different feelings on that layer underneath, when you find the right one to describe how you are feeling and notice the changes in your body. When you find the right one, you will feel a sense of relief.
As you get comfortable with this layer, you can dig even deeper. Think of emotions like learning another language, the more words you know the more you will be able to communicate. For example, I am feeling scared because I am worried and overwhelmed is very different to I am feeling scared because I am lonely and excluded. 'Excluded' and 'overwhelmed' are both fear based feelings, but they present and feel very different and we would take different actions to address them. The more comfortable and articulate you get in your feelings, the more effective this exercise will be.
Using a feelings wheel like the one in the free tool 'understanding feelings' on ww.mumshine.com.au is a great tool to help you learn the language of feelings and being able to call them out.
Using this technique with kids
You can use emotion naming with your kids from as young as 2. Kids as young as 2 can say happy and sad and can name basic feelings like angry, bad, gross/disgusted, surprised and scared by the age of 5. By saying "I see you are angry" or "I can see you are sad" it can immediately help to soothe them.
To help grow their literacy, you can use play based learning such as playing with action figures or dolls, reading books or doing colouring pages to speak about the different feelings and you can also encourage them to explore how it feels in their body (e.g. tears, clenched fists) when they have a feeling. As hard as it might be, it is really important to ensure that when we speak about feelings, that we do not provide judgements such as 'good' or 'bad' with feelings as this can lead to kids trying to supress them and end up exploding. Try instead to talk about the behaviour e.g. "I can see you are angry, but we do not hit, instead can we jump up and down) (acknowledge, focus, redirect).
As kids get older they will be able to learn more feelings and become more articulate. Printing out and displaying a feelings wheel in the house or having a pin board, where family members can put 3 pins in for 3 feelings they felt that day are also great ways to encourage your kids to learn this language. This also helps them to see that there are no 'good' or 'bad' feelings and that there is no shame in having feelings.
So, the next time you're feeling overwhelmed, try taking a moment to pause and identify what you're feeling. Are you stressed, frustrated, or maybe just a tad bit hangry? Whatever it is, give it a name, acknowledge it, and watch as its grip on you begins to loosen. Think of it like shining a light on those dark corners of your mind and watching as they shrink away. So, don't be afraid to lean into those uncomfortable feelings. Embrace them, explore them, and then let them go. This is the art of naming it to tame it.
Freya is a counsellor and life coach and member of the Australian Counselling Association. If you want help in exploring and managing your feelings you can book an appointment today.
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