Often we struggle with unpleasant thoughts and feelings. They can pull at us and our reaction is often to pull back. I like to think of it like you are in a giant tug of war with a monster and in between you is a giant chasm. The monster is trying to pull you in, so with all your might you pull back. They pull harder, so you dig your feet in. You lean back harder with all your might and pull - you want to avoid that chasm. We can get stuck in these patters of fight and pull, but if the goal is not to fall in the chasm, what if you let go of the rope? Suddenly there is no pull and the monster has no connection to you at all and you can simply walk away, or stand there and enjoy the view over this beautiful gorge.
When you say it this way, it seems to make a lot of sense, but how can I let go of thoughts or feelings that keep pulling at me?
Removing the hook
A technique to remove the hook or power of these thoughts, in Acceptance and Commitment (ACT) Therapy, is called cognitive diffusion. It is a practice focused on diffusing, or separating, ourselves from our thoughts and feelings. This separation or distance provides room to look at them more objectively and also helps to remove some of the intensity. It is like if you are sitting watching TV and I put my hand in front of your face, all you will be able to see if my hand and it will probably be so close you can't even focus on it and make out what it is, it is really unlikely that you will be able to make sense of it. If I move my hand back so that it is front of the TV, you will be able to see that it is just a hand and make out the TV and the whole room around it.
Diffusion Practice
I love this technique as it is so simple, it can be done in just a few minutes. You don't need anything to do it other than your mind and over time, it will become so engrained in your thought processes that you will be able to do it reflexively, without even thinking about it anytime you have a problematic thought or feeling. OK let's play. I want you to think of a problematic thought or feeling you have been having over the past few days. OK, I will go first.... "I am lazy". OK sit with that thought or feeling for a while and how it feels when you sit with it. Notice how strong it is and the level of discomfort you are feeling. Score it from 0 (none) to 10 (intense) in intensity.
Now I want you to add the words "I am having a thought/feeling that..." to the front of what is on your mind. "I am having a thought that I am lazy". Let that sit with you for a minute, how has it changed. What intensity score are you feeling now?
Now, finally, add in the words "I notice that" in front of the sentence. "I notice that I am having a thought that I am lazy". Let that sit with you for a moment, how did it change again, score it. Interesting right?
Losing the power
So with each of those additional steps, notice how the initial thought or feeling loses power incrementally. It is like each time you have been able to take a step back, to create some distance. It has gone from a hand pushing into your face, to just something that exists in a world with other things. When you have this distance, do you feel it is easier to let the thought come and go? Does it make it easier for you not to react? Does it help you to objectively question it, rather than take it at face value? It is amazing the power that adding a few simple words can have. Imagine over time how incredible it would be if you could change that voice in your head from "I am" to "I notice that I am having a thought/feeling"? How free would you feel? How much more confident?
Practice makes better
The first time you did it, it took a few minutes. Next time, it will be faster, you can lessen the reflection and lessen the scoring. You might just find one thought or feeling to start with and it might be a 10/10 as you go on you will find more thoughts and feelings and eventually you will run out of 10s, then work on 9s, 8s, 7s and do it more. Each time you will be able to get quicker and eventually when you have a thought, you can immediately change it in your mind to I notice that I am having a thought.
If you want additional help, know I am available for counselling sessions to help you build this toolkit out further.
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