So it is one thing to be able to identify and articulate our feelings to ourselves, but how can we speak about them with other people? How can we share how we are feeling, without blame? Without accusations? How can we ask for help and support from others to help create an environment that makes us thrive?
As women and as mothers, stating our own needs, wants and feelings can be hard. We are often really practiced at putting ourselves last and putting everyone else first. We also tend to worry about hurting others, we think that by speaking our own mind that we will make others uncomfortable so we avoid it, we suffer in silence until we explode. Somewhere along the line we learned that how we feel is less important than how others feel. But it can be different.
But speaking about my feelings feels scary...
The funny thing with most fears is that we are worried about the future, we are worried about something that is yet to happen, that might never happen, that even it it does happen will probably be nowhere near as bad as I imagine. This is the nature of fear and the basis of most worries and it is important to remember that while the imagined threat feels real - it can not hurt you. You are safe and it will be OK. Breathe and be in the moment.
How else can I make it less scary?
You have no idea how people will react, maybe they will lean in and support you. Maybe they will get upset, but you know what - that is OK. You can't control other people feelings and actions but what you can do is feel comfortable with your own. One way to do this is to practice what you want to say and how you express it, so that you feel confident in sharing your feelings.
Avoiding blame and shame
When we express our feelings, one way of making them easier for others to hear (and feel safer for us to share) is to take ownership of our feelings and avoid blaming others when we express them. We have all been there in the middle of an argument and hear ourselves saying something like "you make me feel so mad/tired/frustrated". The next person hears this, deflects blame (usually with an insult or a justification) and things escalate further from there.
Blame does not need to be part of how we express our feelings, it is possible to share our feelings without using blame. It is important to use "I statements" for example, "I feel sad" or "I am feeling sad". This takes ownership back to you and how you feel. Only once you have said I feel you can add a "when" statement. For example, "I feel sad when people forget my birthday". When you are comfortable with this, dig deeper and look at a because "I feel sad when people forget my birthday because I show love by making a fuss of others, so when people forget I feel unloved".
Can you see the difference between a statement like this and "You made me sad because you forgot my birthday and don't love me"? If you were the recipient of these statements, which would make you feel safe to admit you were wrong, show empathy and do something positive about it? Which would make you get defensive or try to avoid the person?
How can I say what I need?
Once you have expressed how you feel in a non judgemental way, free of blame and share the why behind your emotions, it makes it much easier to state what you need? Why? Because, first if humans see another human in a state of discomfort or distress, we are hardwired to help. Second, often we can feel "irrational" when we feel certain things. Once we have explained how we feel and why, it helps us to feel justified and heard in our feelings which makes us feel less defensive and more open to change.
When you know this, it makes it a little easier to say "I need", be vulnerable and ask for help. Again by using I terms as well, you are avoiding blame and asking for what you want, rather than telling someone else how to behave. Continuing with the above example if you were to add "I need you to understand why this is so important and know that you will remember it next year".
Checking in
Once you have shared how you feel, it can feel great that you have got it off your chest but you might worry how the other person feels. Did they understand? Do they get it? Do they agree? Will anything change? Adding a simple check in at the end of the sentence like "how does that sound to you?" Can be a really powerful way of opening up the dialogue. It gives the other person a chance to share what they might be feeling and to either accept, reject or justify what has happened. They might not always agree, and that is OK, but by providing them with an opportunity for some clear air and space to reflect - they should feel less confronted and they will appreciate you making a safe environment for them (even if they don't admit it).
When asking a check in question, it is ideal to ask an open question, that is a question which has more than a yes or no answer. Asking how or what "what do you think about that?", "How do you feel about that?" "What do you think you can do to help me?" is a great way of doing this. It opens up, rather than shut down the conversation and provides a structured space for the other person to step into.
In a nutshell, it can be difficult to share how we feel and to feel safe while we do it, but in reality unless you do this - you can't ever hope for things to be different. Not only will your feelings get bigger, you will also build up resentment towards others for not helping you or not acknowledging how you feel. The becomes a tricky situation which tends to spiral - we worry about upsetting others or feel guilt about expressing our feelings - we worry how others will react, so we keep our feelings to our self. We don't give others the opportunity to help us, but we then feel resentful that we don't get the help or relief that we need. Which in turn makes us feel worse, our feelings get bigger, resentment deeper and we can feel more alone.
So be a bit brave, bust through, share how you feel. Practice, so you feel comfortable, own your feelings and give the other person a chance to accept your feelings (or not). People might just surprise you. But remember, if they don't thank is OK. I know I would rather live in a world where my feelings are OK. Where I own how I feel and why I feel it. Where sharing my feelings brings me peace than masking who I am and putting other peoples feelings before my own.
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