We have spent some time in the past few weeks in exploring our values, finding out what they are and how they align with the roles we play. This week, we are taking that to the next level and focusing on how we can actively make choices in our life to ensure we are doing more things to honour the person we are and the values we hold, so we are feeling in congruence and getting more joy out of our day to day lives.
Step One - Work out what does not matter to you
This is a big one. To create space to honour our values and spend time and energy on doing things aligned to our values we first need to let go of the values that do not align with us and letting go of all the values which we think we should hold. We need to challenge ourselves to pick no more than 2-3. When we talk about values, more is not better. When we focus on more - our focus gets diluted. When we take it back to a fewer number, that really matter to us, we can spend more effort and energy on the things that really matter.
To do this, go back to your list and narrow it down - really challenge yourself and give yourself a choice if needed. As you go through this process, challenge yourself are you choosing this value because it matters to others (friends, partner, community) or because it is you? Are you choosing a value because you have been told you "should" or that this is desirable or because it is you. Use this as a chance to say goodbye to some of these expectations and old habits and really honour you. When you shed these values and choose not to focus on them, it is not about judging others who align with those values (as we are different and there is no right or wrong), it is about creating space for you to be more of who you are and making a conscious decision to focus on what matters to you, not others.
Step Two - Connect daily actions with your values and intent
If the objective of the exercise is to find more opportunities to live our values, we first need to understand how we are currently spending our time and effort. To do this we could do a full time and energy audit, however doing so can take a lot of time, effort and focus and is best done with a qualified counsellor and coach. Instead, a simpler activity is to think about your 2-3 core values and think about things in your routine which instantly spring to mind as being aligned. For example if 'health' is a core value of yours, what activities instantly come to mind each day, or week, on weekdays or weekends and in the different roles you play (home, work, school). Once you have a good list of different activities that you already do (it may not be a lot and that is OK, it might just be a few) you are then in a position to prioritise these things and focus on increasing frequency or duration of these activities.
Now that we have looked at the space of being aligned in our values, we then have the opportunity to look at activities that do not align to our values. Again, this is not a deep analysis - it is about finding the quick wins, the easy things to act on and make changes with. So again reflect back on your roles, your day and week. What things cause you conflict, drain you or make you feel uneasy. Chances are it is a values clash. List those activities and how they clash with your values. Taking the 'health' example again, maybe it is a weekly lunch with workmates where you eat out and you like seeing your workmates and enjoy the conversation, but hate eating take away food?
Step Three - Find opportunities to do more & less
Once we can see these activities, we are then in a position to make some conscious choices. First looking at the list of what activities boost our values, look at this list. How can you find a time to do these things more often, or do them for longer. Or even when you do them, be more conscious of why you are doing it. We can get significant benefit by focusing and amplifying what we are already doing, rather than needing to do a whole lot of new things. Small changes can make a really big difference. When I work with clients, I suggest putting this list somewhere it is visible (maybe in a diary, on the fridge or at your desk, maybe making a nice canva image and putting it as your desktop backdrop) - even if it is just calling out your 2 values. As you go through your week and find other things, add them on.
The second part is working out how you can reduce, remove or change those things that are not aligned with your values. First up, challenge yourself to say what would happen if you just stopped doing it? Play around what is the worst case? What would that consequence be? What is a more realistic outcome? What will likely happen? Can you accept that if the payoff is that you will have a more authentic life. If stopping it is not an option? Could you delegate it? Is there someone else who can do that activity for you (at home, or at work or can you outsource it in some way?) If this is not an option, think about how you can change the activity. Using the health example before, could you move the location to a food court or a park and bring your own lunch? Could you have the catch up in a lunch room at work and BYO? Could you speak to the cafe and offer to pay a BYO fee to cover your dietary needs? Can you go and just order a drink and then eat your lunch later? There is usually a way to increase alignment with your values, without wholesale change and there is always an option of being able to do something rather than grin and bare it at personal cost to you.
Advanced players note:
Once you have got the low hanging fruit and having a more aligned life for where it is at the moment, there will be an opportunity to look at adding things, to becoming more bold and brave with your choices. We often tend to go to the new first, as it is different and exciting, however doing something new, takes a lot more effort as it is a new habit, it is change. Focusing on existing things and doing them more, better or different takes a lot less effort, offers the same (if not more benefit) and is just plain smart.
What if my values and life are completely misaligned?
If you find yourself in this situation, I would strongly encourage you to speak with a counsellor or life coach who can help you to navigate this challenge and help you to work through changes and decisions. It can feel overwhelming if we find ourselves in this space and it can stir up some strong emotions that need to be worked through.
As you go through this process, make time to reflect and recognise how these changes make you feel and adjust your approach as you go. It is not about getting things perfect, it is about starting, about making progress.
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