A core pillar of Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT), a modality I love, is the idea of living a congruous life where the decisions and actions we take on a daily basis are aligned with our values. ACT suggests that when you make decisions that are in line with your core values, you experience greater psychological well-being. This is because such decisions are congruent (or aligned) with your true self, leading to a sense of authenticity, achieving purpose and fulfillment.
On the other hand, when you make choices that are not aligned with your values, you may experience cognitive dissonance, which can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, or dissatisfaction. It can be exhausting if you have to mask everyday and hide your true self and it can feel difficult to gain a sense of achievement if you are doing things every day that don't align with your values. In contrast, when decisions are in harmony with personal values, you are more likely to experience a sense of purpose and meaning in your life, contributing to better mental health. When you take steps everyday that take you closer to your values, you feel safe, you feel content and you are more likely to see the positives in life.
How having kids changes our values
When we have big changes in our life, and so much feels different and out of our control, we can sometimes lose sight of our values, or our values can change. I have seen people become more concerned with safety and predictability after kids, more focused on kindness, on fun or even more concerned about future generations. This is all really normal that this changes as when we have kids our world view expands and the genie can't ever be put back in the bottle.
What happens though, is we often don't check in on this. Our values change and evolve in the background and life gets busy, we aren't aware of the shift - we are not conscious of it, we just keep doing the do. We start feeling like something is off and can't put our finger on it. Our levels of dissatisfaction and resentment can increase and we can feel like we are stuck on a treadmill with no control over the speed, no off button and no end in sight. We can feel rudderless and overextend ourselves as we try to do everything for everyone, forgetting about what actually matters to us. So I want to ask you, when is the last time that you checked in with yourself to see what you value today?
How values can contribute to a sense of satisfaction
Feel good chemicals - When we are in touch with our values and are truly honest about what they are - it helps us see who we are at our core. When we do something that aligns with these values, it will trigger off a series of biochemical responses that help us feel good, feel safe and feel content. When we experience this, it lifts our mood, helps us to be more present and more motivated. When we experience something that goes against it, we can end up in an 'amygdala hijack' where the lizard part of your brain takes control and you end up in an extreme flight or fight response. Think about the last time you had a response like this, chances are one of your core values was triggered.
Reduce the decision making burden - I say this all the time, no person on the planet has enough time and resources to do everything that they want to do, let alone everything that is expected of them. If you focus on this you can always be chasing the next best thing, feel guilty for what you are not doing and feel unhappy with what you do have. It can be really tough to be in the moment, feel content and grateful. When we realise and accept this though and look to what we can do, it is about making good choices. When we are clear on our values, it makes it really easy to make choices and remove the noise. It is a simple choice of which thing is most aligned with my values or will take me closer to them - the rest is just noise. Think about the thousands of decisions you make as a mum each week (food, education, social activities, work commitments - the list goes on). How much easier would it be if you could look at your values to help make them. How much pressure would that take off? How much lighter would you feel?
3. A sense of purpose, achievement and contentment - When we have kids, it can be hard some days to feel like we have achieved anything at all and the days can all blend together in a rinse and repeat cycle. How do you get those 'woo hoo' feelings on these days? How do you ever feel like the job is done and work is complete? When we have a strong sense of our values we can find moments in our day when we are truly aligned that brings us joy. We can create the space and the room for things that help us to fill our own cups. For example if you value fun or joy can you find opportunities to bring that into your routine? When you start the day, you can think - what fun will I create today, it is a completely different dynamic - you start the day or week looking for what will spark joy in you and give you a sense of contentment. As parents, if we don't make the opportunities, they won't happen by accident.
4. Communicating our needs - When we know what we value, it makes it much easier to communicate what we want and need in life. It helps us to explain to others why you might respond in certain ways or why you enjoy or avoid certain things. For example (not naming names), if you have a strong value for equality and fairness someone say for example leaving their coffee cup on the bench instead of putting it in the dishwasher, might make you feel like they are putting themselves and their needs above you, you might have a strong emotional reaction. It is a different conversation when you can say "I really value fairness, so when you leave a coffee cup on the bench instead of putting it away, I know you don't intend it, but I feel like you see yourself as above me and that your time is more important than mine and I feel like I am not valued or respected. When you put it straight in the dishwasher, I feel valued and respected - do you think you can do that more?"
Remember Values are Different - not right or wrong
We are all different and value different things - and our values do change and evolve over our lifetime. When looking at your own values it is really important to be curious and not judge yourself about what you value and feel. There is no right or wrong, this is just what is important to you and part of who you are.
This can be tricky when our social or cultural identity has shaped us to value certain things and can cause some conflict and it is important to acknowledge and accept this difference and take some time to work through it. It can be uncomfortable in the short term, however in the long term it is a lot more pleasant to lead a life where your values and actions are aligned. For example, as a girl in the 1980s I was taught that putting my needs second to others and not causing discomfort was important, as someone who has a strong value about achievement and making a difference - this was hard to reconcile as to make things better you need to drive change and change is uncomfortable. For years I pushed this down and tried to make myself smaller and they were some of the most frustrating years of my life.
For this to work, you need to be really honest
So building on the point above, because it is really important. If you are not honest and accepting with yourself about what your values are, this whole process will not work. We all have items in our wardrobe or things around our house that we have bought for the person we used to be or the person that we wished we were, not the person we actually are. This weeks free tool is a great little activity called values finder. Really challenge yourself to get down to 2-3 as a list as the fewer you have as core values, the easier it is to manage and the fewer conflicts you will have. Next week we will chat more about opportunities to test them against the roles we play in life. So until then, keep shining.
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