putting you first
We didn't just wake up one day and decide to deprioritise our needs. It is a learned behavioural change which happened gradually and subtly. The good news is anything learned can be unlearned, read on to find out more.
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If you want to start putting yourself first, book a session below:
Prioritising yourself
As mothers, we are resourceful, we are kind and considerate, we have exceptional management skills and we constantly manage to make miracles happen and get stuff done... for our kids, our partners, our friends, our family, in our places of work. So why is it so hard to do it for ourselves? Why is it that when we have two competing priorities and one of them is for us and the other for someone else, that we just give in. We put our needs and wants second. Is it because it is easier? Does it keep the peace? Are we worried about looking selfish? It is not the same for everyone in every situation, and it can be really complex.
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We were not born to put our needs last. You think about when you were a kid, you knew what you wanted and needed and did not rest until you got it. This is something that we learned to do over time. There might be subtle lessons where we have seen 'role models' of 'good mothers' who always put everyone first and ran themselves ragged, hiding their resentment and dissatisfaction; there might have been moments of aggression or micro aggression where we have been called selfish, or had people roll their eyes when we choose ourselves and there might even be big moments, like becoming a mother where we become responsible for another human and are forced to pause our needs for a while. The good news is, that anything we have learned to do.
When we keep saying no to ourselves and our needs, it becomes the default, a learned behavioural pattern. Often we put things for ourselves on the 'to do' list, knowing that it will drop off the moment something urgent comes up. We struggle with the idea of not having "enough" time, resources, money or energy to put our needs forward and this becomes the default opt out. We stop asking "how can I" and we stop looking for solutions, it can all feel too hard. As as we do this, and this becomes the new normal, we start to feel resentful of others, we begin to feel tired, let down, frustrated and exhausted which in turn makes it harder to prioritise ourselves which then perpetuates this cycle.
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When we fail to put ourselves first from time to time, it is not a bad thing, however when it continues it can lead to exhaustion, burnout and even lifestyle related health issues such as substance and behaviour issues, weight maintenance challenges, body pain and sleep issues. More concerningly when we struggle to put ourselves first, we start to harbour resentment, judgement and jealousy for others which can impact our relationships and our resilience as well. You can start to feel really lonely and disconnected, like it is you against the world and this can lead to feelings of anger and depression. If you find yourself feeling resentful of others and judgemental of their choices, pause and reflect why. There is a really good chance you are feeling jealous about what they have. This is not to say you are at fault with this, we have all been there and there is a different way to be a 'good mother'.
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Often this comes out in therapy as a secondary challenge, one that comes out after worries and mum guilt. When we work through those issues and want to make change, the realisation that we don't have the time, effort or resources seems to come in. This process of realising where the deficit is (time, money, resources, love, compassion) and then working on ways to identify and strengthen boundaries is typically a longer but less intense process. It takes a little time for the behavioural changes to embed and also for others in your life to understand what you need and how best to support you. We start with gradual change 5 minutes, dollars, compliments and build on from there. Once the base skills are learned and progress is made, clients typically continue to increase the frequency or amount they are setting aside for themselves and check back in if and when they need additional support or a bit of a boost.
Signs you're struggling to prioritise you
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You find yourself saying, "I know I should but I can't find the time"
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You are feeling tired and worn out and lacking in energy
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You find yourself feeling jealous, resentful or judgemental of others
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If people ask you what you want or need and you struggle to articulate it
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Time, money or resources for you keep dropping off the list
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You have a lifestyle related health complaint that you are unhappy about
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When someone asks for help you immediately say "yes" without thinking
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You feel like there is never enough time in the day
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You constantly feel like you are taken for granted
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You struggle to find balance in your work/life
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If something needs to change you "keep the peace" and give in
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You are unable to identify what your boundaries (or non negotiables) are
How does counselling help?
In a nutshell, if you keep trying the same things and expecting a different outcome, you will end up disappointed, counselling is a chance to try something new with a trusted professional who will listen without judgement, provide a safe and confidential space to explore your feelings and work with you to develop strategies that are right for you and your unique situation.
When we used to not prioritising ourselves, it becomes and engrained behavioural pattern that takes a while to learn our way out of. I think about it like a common route you drive in your car such as drop off. You probably do it without thinking about it, you spend little time focusing on it, it is comfortable, predictable, safe, easy. But then something changes on the route, like traffic islands and roundabouts being added. You suddenly need to think about it, it feels harder and chances are you will forget and it will catch you by surprise most days. Then one day after doing it long enough, you will forget that there was ever a time without traffic islands or roundabouts, it will seem silly that you even worried about it. This is the process of behavioural change. As a counsellor I am a trained professional that helps you to identify the changes that need to happen, that are right for you, to develop strategies and plans and to give you support and encouragement when some days you just want to get out of the car and walk. Change is always hard, but with the right support you can move through it faster and with less discomfort, feeling empowered and confident about where you are heading.​
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Counselling is a process where you set the agenda and the goals, there is a start and an end date and I will work with you to help you achieve the change you want. I walk alongside you and respect your decisions and choices. I never tell clients what to do, instead we explore options and feelings together and we work at the pace that suits you.
Want Freya's help ?
When you work with Freya, you not only get a qualified counsellor, you get someone that really understands. Whilst no two mothering experiences are the same, there are a lot of common challenges which mums face and Freya is passionate and committed to helping mums to overcome these challenges and enjoy their motherhood journey more. Freya listens deeply to you, your experiences, your story.
Freya will not judge you or your choices - she respects that you are the right parent to parent your child and that nobody else is better suited for the job - even if you don't feel that way at times. She knows and understands how hard being a mother can be. That there is no perfect choice, no 'right' or 'wrong' way to parent and that you probably feel inundated with information, opinions, judgements and comparisons on a daily basis that can make you feel like you are not good enough and choices and pressures can feel overwhelming. This is a safe space, away from all of that - for you to focus on yourself.
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When you work with Freya you have her undivided attention as you work through your challenges. She will support and guide you in making tough choices, help you learn new skills and coping strategies and walk alongside you as you work towards a brighter life. Freya has a limited number of sessions each week to support clients so please don't wait to secure your place.
Free resources to help you prioritise yourself
Counselling is bar far the fastest and most effective method to achieve a behavioural change like putting yourself first. However, I realise that is not an option for everyone. As part of giving back and to try to help as many mums as possible, I have made a number of self help tools and articles available which I have designed for busy mums that don't have a lot of time to spend on themselves.
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These resources are curated and tagged so you can easily find what you are looking for, and come back to access more, when you are ready. You can keep and share as many as you like, just remember to let people know where you got them.
If you enjoy these tools, don't forget to subscribe via the link below and each week, I will share new insights, articles and tools with you - delivered straight to your inbox and entirely for free.