Cognitive Load at Christmas Time for Neurodivergent Mums

For many neurodivergent mums, the Christmas and holiday season can feel mentally exhausting long before the first carols start playing. While the world paints December as magical, spacious and joyful, the reality for ND mums is often overwhelm, mental fatigue, decision paralysis and emotional overload — not because we’re disorganised, but because we’re carrying an already full cognitive load before the festive season even begins.

Neurodivergent brains spend every day managing complex internal processes: executive functioning, sensory processing, emotional regulation, masking, transitions, working memory, and supporting neurodiverse children’s needs. When Christmas arrives, all of that intensifies. Suddenly, the cognitive workload multiplies — Christmas planning, gift lists, social events, school concerts, travel schedules, financial decisions, food planning, late-night wrapping, extended family dynamics, and the invisible emotional labour of making everything feel “special” for everyone else.

That’s not a small ask. It’s a perfect storm for overwhelm and burnout.

What looks like forgetfulness, procrastination, withdrawal, shutdown or indecision from the outside is often the brain protecting us from too much demand - a real and valid nervous-system response to overload, not a personal failing. When executive functioning gets flooded, the brain prioritises survival. That is wiring, not weakness.

So if the silly season feels chaotic, heavy, or impossible to keep up with, please know this:

• You are not broken.

• You are not failing.

• Your brain is doing its best to keep you safe in a demanding season.

You are carrying more layers than most people ever see — and you deserve neuroaffirming tools, realistic expectations, and gentle self-support, not pressure to perform festive perfection. Keep reading for some simple strategies to try to reduce the cognitive load.

As mums - often the burden of planning at Christmas falls to us. There is pressure to perform, to make priceless memories, perfect events, considerate presents. We feel that success or failure lies with us and nobody else.

And for neurodivergent brains, planning and organising use executive functioning, which already runs at high output every single day. In busy seasons, our working memory gets overloaded, transitions multiply, and expectations expand faster than capacity does. When the brain senses overwhelm, it often hits pause or freeze instead of powering up - it’s a safety response, not a character flaw. But it makes this time of year harder.

1. Say yes to less

There can be a lot of pressure to do everything before Christmas and we all feel the pinch to fit it all in. But what is we pressed pause on all non essentials until the New Year? "I would love to catch up, it is crazy before Christmas - can we do the New Year instead so we can see each other properly?" A few of my clients tried this last year and the response was unanimous relief, because guess what - friends and family are feeling the pinch too. At this time of year there are lots of imagined deadlines, even at work. So pausing to ask yourself "does this HAVE to be done by Christmas?" If the answer is a not sure or a no, push it back

2. What does success look like?

In planning events - ask yourself what a good event looks like for you? Is it kids eating happily? You sitting back with a favourite drink or playing in the pool with the kids? Then build your event around that - not based on what you THINK everyone else will enjoy, because it is your day too. Christmas Day pot luck? Takeaway chicken and chips for ultimate safe foods? Paper plates? Go for it. Video game or movie marathon? Why not? Your kids will probably remember a day with mum present and happy, more than the "perfect" event. If the joy in Christmas for you comes from a curated table scape and decorations, then really lean in and enjoy that and peel back other planning demands.

3. One plan which is talked about

Having one big plan that is visible to everyone can really help. it does not need to be fancy a chalk marker or whiteboard marker on a window can be better than the most expensive personal planner. Then each week just have a family check in on the plan. This can be a chance to drop things off, delegate, fill gaps or have the "I put the presents somewhere safe.... I need to find them moments". It can also be a place for family members to state what matters to them and find a way to fit those things in. E.g. you want my famous home made pav - no worries, I will need 2 hours free on Christmas Eve, how can we make that happen? You really want to see Christmas Lights, OK we can put that in for <date> as our outing.

These strategies can support each other too. Many of my clients now follow a one thing a day rule where they say yes to no more than 1 high spoon activity a day, whether that be an outing, a big self care task, one appointment and then this is talked about in the calendar. They decide what to commit to based on what success looks like for them.

Our brains struggle with too much data and decisions. Whether it is remembering things, seeing all the detail, trying to process internally or trying to people please - decisions can be hard.

Neurodivergent brains process more sensory, emotional and contextual data per decision. Add festive choices like gifts, menus, schedules, outfits, travel and navigating other people’s expectations - and the brain starts waving a white flag. Every decision costs spoons. Too many decisions = shutdown, avoidance or tears.

This is not laziness.
It’s cognitive overload and your brain protecting you from burnout.

1. Rule of 5s

Before you make a decision - ask yourself "how long will I remember this for?" 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years or 5 decades? If the answer is anything less than 5 years - flip a coin. It doesn't matter. Gifts are refundable, a bad meal is just one meal, mistakes happen - life moves on.

2. Process externally

If you are struggling with a decision and it feels big, remember neurodivergent folk are usually external processors. This means part of our process means we need to get the information out of our brains to make sense of it. This can be talking it out (to a person, AI or voice memo) the other person does not even need to say anything - just listen: visually putting it out like a drawing or mind map, or writing it out with words and a list.

3. Defaults - not decisions

In the lead up to Christmas try to rely on as many defaults as possible. One Christmas outfit, same breakfasts every day or day of the week dinners, batching decisions like responding to all messages before bed, gift themes (experiences, books, gift cards), same wrapping (or none) for everyone, bring the same dish to every event (one year I did 2 cheap takeaway pizzas each event and it was a huge hit). Even simple things like same route for the dog walk, same exercise routine, same christmas song list... there are lots of places we can remove decisions each day.

The not doing list....
Everything at Christmas is a list of 'to dos'. I love seeing the shift in clients when they start their 'not doing' list... Literally taking 30 minutes and thinking about what matters to you at Christmas and then writing a list of all the things you are 'not' doing - things you hate, things that are hard and things that really do not matter... it could be

• not hosting

• not buying presents outside immediate family

• not buying presents for older kids - they get cash and can buy something at the after Christmas sales - some teens love this

• not cooking

• not cleaning the house ourselves

• not putting up any decorations other than a tree

• not going to the work Christmas party ......

These are just a few of the nuggets I have seen over the years - but really the power is yours. If a full "no" feels too hard, you can make an "instead of" list... Instead of buying presents for other family members, we will go to <place> instead in the new year. Instead of cooking we will get takeaway. Instead of cleaning we will hire cleaners or ask people to help us clean as a Christmas gift. Instead of fully decorating the house, we will make one nice tree. instead of choosing the wrong gift, I will let my older kids choose what they want (and get more for their money) in the sales.