The Four Voices of Mum Guilt for Neurodivergent Mums

If you're a neurodivergent mum, chances are you've met mum guilt. Not just occasionally, but daily. It can whisper that you're not doing enough, shout that you're getting everything wrong, or quietly convince you that everyone else has somehow figured out motherhood while you're still trying to catch your breath.

The problem is that we often talk about mum guilt as though it's one emotion. In reality, it's much more complicated than that.

Over time, I've noticed that what we call "mum guilt" often has different underlying drivers. When we treat every feeling of guilt the same way, we can end up using strategies that don't actually address what's going on.

That's why I developed the Four Voices of Mum Guilt model. It helps us move from "I feel guilty" to "What is this guilt actually trying to tell me?"

Because once we know which voice we're hearing, we can respond with curiosity instead of criticism.

In working with mums like you over many years, I have noticed there seems to be a pattern to the guilt we experience as neurodivergent mums.

The voice of the guilt seems to be either:

• Focused on the present (and your failings right now), or;

• Focused in the past/future (ruminating about what you did/not do or, worrying about what to come.

It also seems to use as a source of inspiration either:

• Internal data and expectations/impressions (our own standards), or;

• External data and input (comparisons, norms, expectations from others)

This then provides 4 different 'voices' or 'faces' of mum guilt that talk to us differently, about different things.

When we can start to see mum guilt like this and for what it is - an opinion, not a fact. We can understand where it is coming from, engage with it differently and choose to listen (or not). If we try to tackle them all, it can feel overwhelming (like a tsunami of fear and failure)

Over the next 4 weeks we will unpack these different voices of mum guilt and work with them one on one and try different strategies to shift the dynamic and reduce the power. For now, we will take a quick moment to learn a simple and powerful strategy to help the voice of mum guilt (whichever voice it is) talk less loudly.

When mum guilt speaks to us, it can feel heavy and unyielding. A technique I use with clients to help quiet the voice is something called personification.

Personification is a technique used in counselling to tackle core beliefs, difficult thoughts and emotions to help create emotional distance and also to diffuse them (help them get un stuck).

When we hold a core belief or when a difficult thought or feeling gets 'stuck' - it can feel immovable. Like it is with us forever, that is it part of who we are. It can feel like fact and something that can't be shifted. When we personify the guilt and create a representation of it - it creates space, it helps us unhook from it and treat it as something which can be acknowledged, discounted and ignored.

Take a moment to think about a thought of mum guilt that you have had recently and listen to her. Now think of someone this voice reminds you of - it could be a character on a TV show, movie, book, graphic novel or video game or even a real life person. It could also be a colour or a shape. Put a name to it. This is your persona for mum guilt.

When that voice talks, try to visualise that character talking to you - if visualisation is hard, even just saying the name when the mum guilt comes up is helpful.

Practice acknowledging the voice and setting a compassionate boundary statement such as:

• Thanks for your feedback - but I've got this.

• Thanks for your input - that is one way to look at it.

• I hear you are worried - I've got this.

• Thanks for raising it - but I am not the right person for this conversation.

• I hear you have strong views - but they aren't really helpful right now.

Take a breath or 2, focusing on a long exhale.

Note how this feels for you. Does the mum guilt feel stronger or weaker, quieter or lounder, more real of less reliable.

We aren't going to fight it - just give it space.

It is my passion and privilege to support mums who have been struggling with the emotional load of being a neurodivergent mum.

If you'd like more support, you can explore counselling and coaching with me, or feel free to email me at hello@mumshine.com.au.