Signs of High Masking in Autistic and ADHD Women (and Why It Leads to Burnout)

Masking is something many women do every day, often without realising. In simple terms, masking means changing, hiding, or adjusting parts of yourself to meet expectations, feel accepted, or stay safe in social situations.

For many neurodivergent (ND) women- including those who are Autistic, ADHD, or both, masking becomes more than an occasional strategy. It can become a default way of moving through the world.

And here’s the important part:

Masking isn’t inherently bad… but long-term, unconscious masking can come at a significant cost to your mental health, identity, and wellbeing.

Let's take a moment to understand the difference - where do you sit?

Masking can be helpful and protective when it is:

• Conscious and chosen (you decide when to use it)

• Short-term (used for specific situations)

• Safety-based (e.g. navigating work, appointments, or unfamiliar environments)

• Energy-aware (you can rest and recover afterwards)

This kind of masking can support:

• Social navigation

• Professional communication

• Personal boundaries and safety

In these moments, masking is a tool you use — not something that controls you.

Masking becomes harmful when it is:

• Automatic and constant (you don't consciously put it on and don't how to switch it off)

• Driven by fear (of being judged, rejected, or “too much”)

• Disconnected from your needs (you override your body, emotions, or limits and prioritise the comfort of others)

• Linked to identity loss (you’re no longer sure what is “you”)

This is where many neurodivergent women find themselves - especially those who were late diagnosed or undiagnosed for years.

Neurodivergent masking often develops as a survival response to:

• Repeated social correction (“don’t do that”, “be more like this”)

• Being labelled as “too sensitive”, “too loud”, “too much”

• Trying to fit into environments not designed for ND brains

• Operating by a set of "norms" that were never ours to hold.

Over time, masking shifts from a strategy… to a way of being. And over time this hurts us... big time.

While all humans mask at times, ND masking is different in intensity, frequency, and cost.

Neurodivergent masking often involves:

• Suppressing natural communication styles (adopting others preferances)

• Hiding sensory needs (pushing through overwhelm, noise, discomfort)

• Forcing eye contact, facial expressions, or “expected” reactions

• Monitoring and adjusting behaviour constantly

• Performing socially acceptable versions of yourself

This level of masking requires significant cognitive and emotional energy.

Research and lived experience consistently show that chronic masking is linked to:

• Autistic burnout and ADHD burnout

• Chronic exhaustion and fatigue

• Anxiety and depression

• Loss of identity or sense of self

• Increased stress and nervous system dysregulation

Put simply:

When your needs can't be honoured - you can't be who you want.

Many women don’t realise they are masking — they just feel tired, overwhelmed, or disconnected.

Some common signs of high masking include:

• Feeling exhausted after social interaction, even when it “went well”

• Replaying conversations and analysing what you said or did

• Struggling to answer: “What do I actually like or need?”

• Saying yes, when you really want to say no.

• Changing how you speak, act, or respond depending on who you’re with

• Feeling like you’re “on” all the time

• Hiding sensory discomfort (noise, light, touch, social interactions)

• People describing you as “coping well” while you feel like you’re barely holding it together

• Experiencing cycles of burnout, shutdown, or overwhelm

• A quiet sense of: “I don’t know who I am underneath all of this”

The goal isn’t to “stop masking completely”.

The goal is to:

• Understand when you are masking

• Notice the cost it has on you

• Begin to create small moments of choice

Because when masking becomes a choice - rather than a constant -something powerful happens:

• You start to reconnect with yourself

• Your energy becomes more sustainable

• Your nervous system has space to settle

• You begin to feel more real, not just “acceptable”

• Everything starts to feel lighter

Unmasking isn’t about suddenly becoming a different person.

It’s about creating safe, supported spaces where you can slowly explore who you are underneath the expectations and experiment with what you need.

If you’re recognising yourself in this, you’re not alone - and you don’t have to figure it out on your own.

For years I have been supporting women to do this one on one. I have now created small groups to make unmasking more accessible, more affordable and more affirming - as we do it together.

If you’re ready to take that next step, this small group is designed to help you to:

• Explore gentle unmasking tools and experiments

• Join a supportive space with other women on a similar journey

• Learn how to reduce the cost of masking without losing your sense of safety

• Connect with other women who are finding themselves too.

Registrations are now open and you can find out more here:

https://www.mumshine.com.au/unmasking-women-group

Because you were never “too much” —
you were just carrying too much, for too long ✨