🌈 Co-Care Strategies by Age and Stage

If there’s one thing motherhood teaches us, it’s that nothing stays the same for long. Our children change, we change, and the way we care for ourselves and each other must change too.

Co-Care — this shared, neuroaffirming approach to self-care — isn’t a fixed system or perfect routine. It’s a living, breathing relationship between your needs and theirs. It’s never “set and forget.” Instead, it’s an ongoing conversation:

“What do we need now?” “What are we soothing?” “What brings joy (or dopamine) today?”

As you both grow, Co-Care can grow with you — shifting from cuddles and calm corners to music, movement, and mutual respect. It can evolve from co-regulation in the toddler years to collaboration in the teens. The beauty of Co-Care is its flexibility: it honours you both as dynamic, changing humans.

This is by no means a complete list but a space to get you started - with some things to try and see if they work for you. Try to enjoy the process of the experiment and wondering 'what if' rather than focusing on the outcome. Some things will work and others won't and that is OK.

👶 Under 2 years — Nurturing Through Connection

The early months and years of matrescence are intense. Both your nervous systems are learning each other’s rhythms. Co-Care at this stage is all about comfort, sensory balance, and presence — gentle grounding that soothes both of you.

💛 Ideas for this stage:

• Create a sensory-safe feeding space. Use a nursing or feeding chair in a corner that feels good for you — soft textures, adjustable lighting, gentle sound, and calming scents.

• Slow songs and simple rhythms. Nursery rhymes, white noise, or slow binaural beats can calm overstimulated ADHD or Autistic minds while regulating your baby’s sensory system.

• Body check-ins during feeds. Notice your posture, shoulders, and breath. Are you comfortable? Are you hydrated? Your wellbeing directly shapes theirs.

• Micro-moments of rest. Even one minute of eyes-closed breathing while they feed or nap counts as self-care. It can be hard for neurodivergent brains to switch off - Guided powernap meditations like these ones on spotify can help relax your brain and get you under for 10 - 60 minutes (you choose the time).

• Amp up the enjoyable times in routine - If bath time is a joy, make it even more relaxing by adjusting the environment around you and extend the time of doing it, or do it more often.

🧸 Toddlers — Exploring Regulation Together

Toddlers are tiny bundles of intensity — curious, emotional, loud, and beautifully unpredictable. For neurodivergent mums, this stage can amplify sensory overwhelm and test every bit of executive function. Co-Care here means exploring play and sensory soothing together, not separately.

💛 Ideas for this stage:

• Shared sensory play. Make messy play manageable by doing it outside, on a tray, or in a bath. Feel the textures together — water beads, bubbles, sand — and notice what feels soothing or too much.

• Music and rhythm breaks. Find songs you both genuinely enjoy and dance, clap, or sway. Music helps regulate dopamine and attention for ADHD brains and movement can also be a powerful stim too.

• Binaural beats or soft background tracks. These can help with overstimulation — especially during transitions or winding down.

• Five-minute grounding check-ins. “What can you see, hear, smell, feel?” helps toddlers build emotional vocabulary while calming you both.

• Add bubbles or water. A lot of neurodivergent brains find water soothing - it is a deep rooted survival instinct. Adding bubbles or waterplay can be relaxing (and enjoyable for both of you).

  
  

🎨 Early Childhood (4–6 years) — Passion, Play, and Predictability

By early childhood, routines start to take shape — but for ADHD and AuADHD mums, keeping things predictable without rigidity can be tricky. Co-Care becomes about creating choice and joyful structure that supports both your nervous systems.

💛 Ideas for this stage:

• Play menus. Make a list of “always yes” activities that you both enjoy — painting, nature walks, Lego, dancing, or board games. Let your child choose while you know they’re all spoon-friendly for you. Certain types of play can be very draining for us - while other types fill our cup. Do the ones you enjoy, and outsource the rest.

• Passion sharing. Let your special interests or sensory joys appear in play — baking, sorting beads, collecting shells. Passion-based play teaches joy and regulation. If they like lego and you like baking - can you make lego cakes? I love this guide from Neuroclastics

• Body and breath moments. Try child-friendly breathing games like blowing bubbles slowly, swaying with breath or smelling imaginary flowers together. Put reminders around the house to help remember.

• Sensory-friendly spaces. Have a corner with weighted blankets, fidgets, and gentle lighting for joint resets after busy days. Have this space to just hang together.

• Get out in nature. Many neurodivergent brains love nature and find it a soothing environment. Don't have time for dinner and a park outing? Pack a lunchbox, make a sandwich and a picnic rug and have dinner at the park.

🪁 Pre-Tweens (7–9 years) — Building Awareness and Voice

This stage brings curiosity, independence, and big emotions. Kids start noticing their own sensory preferences and triggers — which makes it a perfect time to teach co-regulation and emotional literacy.

💛 Ideas for this stage:

• Body check-ins together. Create a shared ritual: “What colour is your energy today?” or “How full is your battery?” Visual scales help both of you track burnout early.

• Shared adventures. As they build independence outings can become more enjoyable and take fewer spoons for you. Find shared adventures you both enjoy (zoo, aquarium, science museum, water park) and plan them on the calendar - not as a reward but as a fun because.

• Exercise as connection. Go for short walks, dance breaks, or trampoline time. Movement supports ADHD attention regulation and stress release. Add a walk or scooter ride in after dinner to soothe your bodies before bed and help melatonin production.

• Nutrition as nurturing. Explore foods that feel grounding and satisfying. Involve them in making snacks — it teaches agency and sensory awareness. You can also have a menu of safe food items which are enjoyable to both of you and have these as an 'always yes', easy dinner item.

• Shared sensations. This is a great age to start really understanding each other's sensory needs - where these needs are aligned and where they are different. What level of social interactions are too much or not enough and finding time and space for both of you.

🧠 Tweens (10–12 years) — Independence with Connection

As kids approach adolescence, their need for privacy grows — but so does their need for safe co-regulation. This stage of Co-Care focuses on balancing independence with mutual respect and emotional connection.

💛 Ideas for this stage:

• Shared sensory toolkit. Let them help choose items — noise-cancelling headphones, fidget tools, weighted blankets. Compare notes on what helps you both.

• Parallel play upgrades. Watch a series together, sit side-by-side doing your own projects, or listen to separate playlists in the same space. Connection without demand.

• Passions and Spins prioritise time to spend in your passions and special interests - explore them in different ways. This time should not be a reward but a base pillar of self-care.

• Stimming and Safety. As they start to become more self-conscious, they may start to mask their stims - providing spaces and time for you all to stim openly reduces stress and tension.

• Breathing or mindfulness breaks. Use apps or short guided meditations; do them together sometimes, separately other times.

• Talk about neurodivergence openly. Discuss ADHD, Autism, masking, and burnout in age-appropriate ways. It normalises difference and strengthens empathy.

  
  

🌻 Teens (13+ years) — Partnership and Growth

Teenagers are developing identity, autonomy, and self-advocacy — all while their brains undergo another huge rewiring. For neurodivergent families, this can bring both closeness and friction. Co-Care at this stage becomes about collaboration, communication, and modelling self-acceptance.

💛 Ideas for this stage:

• Collaborate on boundaries. Negotiate sensory and social needs — quiet time, noise levels, shared spaces. Model compromise.

• Joint reset routines. Try a walk after school, a shared hot chocolate, or music decompress time before homework.

• Encourage passion pursuits. Support their special interests and share your own. Passion is a protective factor against burnout.

• Sleep and screen balance. Discuss the impact of overstimulation on both your brains — plan low-light evenings or tech-free nights together.

• Model imperfection and repair. When you get it wrong, name it kindly: “My brain’s tired, I snapped — I’m sorry.” It teaches accountability and self-compassion.

  
  

🌼 Let Co-Care Evolve With You

Co-Care isn’t a checklist or a formula. It’s a relationship practice — one that grows as you and your child grow. Some seasons you’ll be more in sync; others will stretch you. That’s okay.

Keep asking:

• What do we need right now?

• What helps us both feel safe and calm?

• What tiny joy can we share today?

  
  

Motherhood, especially neurodivergent motherhood, isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about staying connected — to yourself, your child, and the rhythms that sustain you.

Every time you choose connection over perfection, you’re teaching your child — and reminding yourself — what true care looks like. 💛