🌼 Self-Care and Why It’s So Hard for Neurodivergent Mums

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We’ve all heard it: “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” But for many neurodivergent mums, that cup doesn’t just feel empty — it’s cracked, hidden under a pile of washing, and someone’s probably using it for glitter slime.

Self-care sounds simple in theory, yet in practice it feels like another impossible task on the already-overloaded list. And there’s a reason for that — actually, several. If you live with ADHD, Autism, or both, or if you’re still discovering how your brain works after becoming a mum, this is for you.

1️⃣ Matrescence and the rewiring of the mum brain

Becoming a mum — a process known as matrescence — is a total neurological and emotional metamorphosis. Research shows that motherhood literally rewires the brain, strengthening the neural pathways responsible for empathy, vigilance, and nurturing. Your focus shifts toward protecting and responding to your child’s needs.

For neurodivergent mums, that wiring can feel amplified. ADHD often brings hyper-focus, while Autistic sensitivity can mean deep emotional attunement. We notice every detail — every sound, every sigh, every possible “what if.” So when there’s a choice between us and them, they win every time.

That doesn’t make you self-sacrificing or bad at balance. It means your brain’s built-in empathy has become the ultimate safety system. You’re running on high alert for love — but that constant vigilance drains your energy and leaves little space for yourself.

2️⃣ Habit-making is a full-time cognitive job

Most self-care advice assumes habits can run on autopilot.“Just do it for 30 days and it’ll stick!” they say. For ADHD, Autistic and AuADHD brains, it’s rarely that easy. We live with executive function differences that make planning, starting, switching, and remembering tasks require conscious effort every single time. Even routines we love — morning coffee, vitamins, journaling — aren’t truly automatic. They depend on dopamine, energy, and mental bandwidth.

So when the day is already filled with decisions, deadlines, and sensory input, remembering to rest or stretch feels monumental. Self-care becomes yet another task instead of a recharge. And that’s when the cycle of overwhelm and burnout begins.

It’s not a failure of motivation; it’s brain chemistry and context.

3️⃣ Overwhelm makes it hard to hear your body

The mental load of motherhood — remembering everything for everyone — collides with the internal noise of a busy neurodivergent mind. Between school notes, meal plans, sensory overload, and the ping of constant notifications, there’s little quiet left for interoception — that inner sense that tells us when we’re hungry, thirsty, tired, or stressed.

For Autistic and ADHD mums, interoceptive awareness can be patchy or muted. You might forget to eat until your body crashes, or miss the early signs of sensory overload until it turns into shutdown or meltdown.

This isn’t carelessness; it’s how your nervous system filters information. When you’re juggling ten invisible tasks, your brain naturally prioritises what screams the loudest — and your own needs rarely shout.

4️⃣ The burnout spiral

By evening, your tank is empty. The quiet house feels too quiet, and the idea of “self-care” — yoga, journaling, baths — feels like more output. You’ve been masking, multitasking, and micro-regulating all day. What you really need isn’t a productivity routine; it’s restoration.

Neurodivergent burnout isn’t just tiredness — it’s full-system depletion. Your brain, body, and emotions have been operating in survival mode for too long. When you hit this stage, even enjoyable things can feel out of reach. The solution isn’t to push harder but to lower the load — fewer expectations, more gentleness, smaller sparks of comfort.

5️⃣ Redefining self-care: the micro-moments that matter

True self-care for ND mums isn’t about bubble baths and perfect. I’s about noticing: tiny pauses, soft breaths, a minute of sunlight, or listening to a song that matches your mood. It’s about recognising that rest is productive and that doing less can be the most powerful reset.

You might call it “micro self-care” — little acts of compassion for yourself that don’t require a schedule or supplies.

• Putting your phone down for one minute and stretching.

• Letting the laundry wait so you can sit in silence.

• Texting a friend who gets it.

• Eating something that feels grounding, not just convenient.

Each small act tells your nervous system: I’m safe. I matter too.

You don’t need to overhaul your life. You just need permission to listen inward again.

6️⃣ You are not alone 💛

If this sounds familiar, please know: you’re not lazy, broken, or failing at self-care. You’re navigating motherhood and neurodivergence in a world that rarely accounts for either.

The constant overwhelm, the burnout, the guilt about never doing enough — they’re all signs that the system around you needs adjusting, not you.

Self-care isn’t about doing more. It’s about reducing demands, honouring your energy, and noticing your needs when you can.

It’s about meeting yourself where you are — imperfect, exhausted, human — and taking small steps that bring you back into connection with your body, mind, and joy.

🌈 Coming next week…

Next week we’ll explore Co-Care — the neuroaffirming idea that self-care doesn’t have to be solo. We’ll unpack how connection, shared support, and community rhythms can create win–win care systems that work with your beautifully rewired brain, not against it.