💕Rediscovering Identity in the Chaos of Motherhood

🌤️Why It’s Easy to Feel Lost as a Mum

Repeat after me, "I am more than my thoughts and feelings". "I am more than the roles I play". "I am more than a mother".... how does that feel? Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that underneath it all there is this being, this person, this identity which exists alongside these things. That we are more than what we achieve in a day, that we are bigger than our successes or failures. That there is a me in identity after motherhood. It also helps us to see that whilst being a mother is an important thing that we do, it is not 'who we are'. The same goes for our career roles, our family roles, social roles, health roles - in a lifetime, these things will come and go, they can shape us, but fundamentally we don't need to change in our core.

🪴How the concept of self supports neurodivergent minds

In Acceptance and Commitment therapy, we see the role of self as more than just a collection or thoughts, feelings and character attributes. The 'self' is the perspective that sits behind these things, able to observe, to learn to grow. In our life we pick up and put different things down, but behind it all we are still us. When we understand this concept - we are able to be more accepting of change as there is a stable core to hold onto while other things move around us. When change is easier, it helps us to be more psychologically flexible - things which are often more difficult for neurodivergent brains.

👒Understanding the roles that I play and how they change

I want you to take a moment and think about some of the roles you are currently playing, for me I am a wife, daughter, sister, business owner, counsellor, mother, volunteer and dog owner (to name a few). When you look at your roles, have a think about these different roles that you play and list them out. When you have done this, go back through the list and have a look, and put a tick next to the roles that you have been playing your whole life and that you will continue to be actively play for the rest of your life? Interesting right? most people have 0 or maybe 1 role that is what we call 'cradle to grave'.

✨Understanding how changes in roles can impact identity in motherhood

I find this really interesting as often when I speak with people who are feeling a bit lost, or have experienced a big change, it is because there has been a change in a role that they play. It is important that we recognise and grieve the change in role, and how this shapes who we are currently but we also need to recognise that there was a you that existed before this change in role and that will continue long after. When we recognise and accept this change as normal, it makes it much easier for us to evolve and continue to grow, integrating these experiences - but not allowing them to define us. So how do I find me, beyond the roles?

☀️Connecting to yourself through your values

The first thing we can do is reflect on our personal values. We have a great values finder worksheet you can use to get you started. When we are in touch with our core values, this helps us to identity what matters to us and to life a life which is more content and fulfilling by making choices and taking actions every day that are aligned with these values. Over our lifetime, our values will change and evolve based on our experiences, things will become more or less important to you and this is OK. This is why it is so important to check in with them regularly and to see where you are sitting at the moment, as if you are living a life today based on your values from 5 years ago, chances are you are not going to be feeling all that fulfilled.

💛Connecting your values to the roles we play

Once you have a sense of what these values are, there is a great opportunity to then overlay this against the roles that you currently play to see in which roles you are most honouring these values and are in alignment, versus when you are not. Often this can be a source of identity struggles, it is not that we don't know who we are, but there is a disconnect between what our values are and how we are able to live those values in our daily lives. When our roles do not allow us to live our values on a daily basis, it is hard for us to feel safe and fulfilled.

🔴What to do when our values and roles clash

When we find ourselves, as human beings, in a situation (or role) where our values are threatened or challenged - we respond accordingly, we act out. We lash out, we do not bring out the best part of ourselves. This is where we often come across as irrational, petty, jealous, angry or even mean spirited. It is when we lose the sparkle in our eyes. This is because we feel under threat but often we do not realise it. We can spend a lot of time and effort each day masking, pretending and silencing inner voices which can be tiring.

As neurodiverse people, we often have strong drivers for fairness and authenticity, so being at odds with our values can be more challenging than for most neurotypicals. This is a great strength, but it can also mean the feelings around this and the real life tug of war can be more intense for us than other people and often others just 'don't get' what the 'big deal' is.

When we are aware of these clashes and contradictions, we can first work on noticing and accepting them. We can see where we are most vulnerable to these pressure points and accept them when they happen, rather than feeling guilt and remorse - which seems to amplify the effects.

👣Taking small steps to a more authentic, values focused life

Once we have identified and accepted, we are then in a position to make some choices to enjoy better alignment. When I say choices, it does not necessarily mean wholesale change, it can be a series of small changes which can have a big difference. Say for example, a core value to you is fun, you believe that life should be enjoyable, filled with laughter and happiness and not to take things too seriously. How would you feel each day about life, if you were a single mum of 3 kids and all you felt that you did everyday was nag? You would likely feel pretty dissatisfied and discontent. If you were unaware of what was happening you would feel pretty lost and listless, like your life was lacking meaning right? That this was not what you signed up for? Chances are you would not be happy with the type of mum you were being... now being aware of it, what are some of the choices you could make? Could you add in joke time at dinner? Find some time on your commute to prioritise content that was fun. Could you do dinner a few nights a week out of lunchboxes at the park so everyone could play while eating? Could you decide to let go of some things, to prioritise fun - knowing that this is what fills your cup and what you need to feel whole?

See how it gives a different lens? A different place of understanding? A different insight that allows you to think about things in a different way?

So as I leave you today, remember you are more than your thoughts and feelings, you are more than the roles you play. We change and we evolve - it is not about going back but about integrating these experiences, lessons and insights, remembering what matters to you and finding time each day to spend on things which honour your values, fill your cup and help you feel whole.