🪞 Why Identity Matters for Neurodivergent Mums and Mums Raising Neurodivergent Kids

🌤️How the Shifts of Matrescence and Diagnosis Can Leave You Feeling Lost — and How to Find Yourself Again

🍼 1. Matrescence: The First Identity Earthquake

When a child is born, a mother is also born and this new person, needs a new identity. We now know that this process is called matrescence and is equivalent in size of the change we undertake in adolescence, when we go from being a child to an adult. When we think about having kids top of our list are things to meet the needs of our children, cots, nappies, bibs, clothing - we don't really know how to ask for help in forming a new identity.

Straight after baby arrives, it is such an overwhelming time of learning, worries, sleep deprivation and stress that we don't necessarily realise that this change needs to happen. At these times it can be really hard to remember that we are more than our thoughts and feelings. When you are a nuerodivergent mama you also need to add in dealing with added executive functioning demands, sensory triggers all day, a loss of management supports and strategies and big hormones making big feelings - even bigger.

Immediately after baby, we are just focused on survival - often it is only later, after the stress of the first 6-12 months that we realise we are different and we start to notice things have changed. We feel the changes in how people look at us and treat us, we notice we are introduced differently, that we spend our time differently, that we talk about different things and that we feel, empathise and relate to others in different ways. If and when we return to work, this is another point where we notice the difference in what we want and prioritise, how others treat us and what is expected of us.

This shift is perfectly normal and natural but change is hard and we are biologically programmed to avoid and resist it (especially as neurodivergent mamas). Change brings uncertainty and uncertainty threatens safety and a threat to safety feels like a threat to life and our bodies and brains respond accordingly. It can take time for things to settle, for this to evolve and for you to make sense of your identity.

🔄 2. The Second Shift: When a Diagnosis Rewrites the Map

Often it can take a few years for us to feel like we are in groove, like we have finally worked it out and got this. We start to get an idea of who we are, the routines that work, we start to get comfortable with the hats we are wearing and then we start to explore our child's neurodivergence - and more often than not our own and suddenly the rule book is tossed out the window again. What is our identity after a neurodivergence diagnosis?

A key difference that impacts our identity at the time is shame and guilt. In much of our society having children is seen as a positive change - something to be celebrated, however there is deep rooted stigma and bias still about neurodivergence. That this is something bad, something to be mourned a deficit. Much of this stems from what I call the diagnosis deficit trap where the medical model of disability meets ableism and inflexible structures - it sets up up to fail. And while we are going through this, it can be hard to find people to speak to, to be open with, to hold space for you while you hold it together for everyone else. We worry how people will see us, see our kids. We worry about labels and stigma and limitations - rather than hope and opportunity.

🎭 3. Wearing All the Hats: Advocate, Carer, Therapist, Educator... Mum?

Whilst we don't have the physical changes that we experience in matresense, we have more changes to our roles, skills and emotions. We need to work through our own thoughts and feelings, support our partners and family members - bravely shining the light for them and role model that everything will all be OK while on a steep learning curve with increased responsibilities.

Whilst we are still a mum, there are some extra hats we need to wear now too. Suddenly overnight, our emotional and cognitive load increases. We now need to learn a lot about neurodivergence, so that we can be an advocate and an educator for our child as they encounter inflexible processes, systems and ableism. We need to become administrators, managing extra appointments Traits become more noticable and it can all feel overwhelming when we feel we have lost sight of ourselves and the way forward.

⛓️‍💥4. Why Identity Changes Rock our Foundations

When we change anything, it can be unsettling - but when our identity changes, we can lose who we are and this can have big flow on effects for our mental wellbeing and this is because identity plays a crucial role in various psychological processes and aspects of human development.

Our identity is linked to several psychological processes that influence us every day and can impact everything from confidence, to security and decision making:

1. Identity supports confidence:

   A strong sense of identity is associated with higher self-esteem and psychological well-being. This is because when you have a strong sense of identity you feel safe within yourself, you feel less vulnerable to challenge and comparisons with others as you are comfortable with who you are.
   

2. Identity links to social safety

   Identity is closely linked to how individuals define themselves in relation to social groups. Social identity theory posits that people derive part of their identity from the groups they belong to, such as family, cultural, religious, or professional groups. Social identity influences how individuals perceive themselves and others, as well as their behaviour in social contexts. We have a biological imperative to be connected to others as a survival instinct.
   

3. Identity aid decision making and reduces executive functioning demands

   Identity influences various cognitive processes, such as decision-making, problem-solving, and self-reflection. A clear sense of identity helps us to make informed decisions and navigate life's challenges more effectively. When you have a strong sense of who you are, it is easier to work out what is right or wrong for you. As neurodivergent people, executive functioning is often harder and decision making adds to cognitive overwhelm. When we better understand who we are and what we stand for (or against) it helps reduce the noise when making decisions.
   

4. Identity supports emotional wellbeing

   Identity is closely tied to emotional well-being. When you have a strong sense of identity and know what it is that you enjoy and value, you are able to prioritise time and resources to do more of these things more often and boost your emotional wellbeing through feeling joy and contentment.
   

5. Identity supports adaptation and resilience

   Identity plays a crucial role in how you adapt to and cope with life's challenges. A strong sense of identity can provide a source of resilience during difficult times, helping us maintain a sense of purpose and direction. Identity provides the why behind the tough decisions and the true north to keep pushing towards.
   

6. Identity supports interpersonal relationships:

   Identity influences how you form and maintain relationships with others. People are more likely to connect with others who share similar identities or values (as well as neurotypes), leading to the formation of social bonds and networks. We tend to be attracted to people who 'feel' like us and when we don't know who we are it can be hard for us to find our 'tribe'. As a neurodivergent person this is often more pronounced, there are people you 'click' with, conversations are easy and they get you and others everything just feels hard. When we understand ALL parts of us, it helps us make sense of this, it is not that something is wrong with us in these interactions - just that we are fundamentally different people. Check out Milton's double empathy problem if you have time :)

   
   

🌷Why Reclaiming Identity Supports Mental Health

When you see it like this, it is no wonder that this is such a big issue for so many mums and why so many mums navigating neurodivergence - either their own, their neurodivergent child (or most likely both) is such an unsettling time. This is a big reason why I offter Diagnosis Debrief services to mums (and their partners too) to help make sense of the diagnosis and all the ways it impacts us. Working on reclaiming your identity, takes time - there is no simple fix but the more aligned we are with our values, the easier it becomes. Identity is such a strong foundation for mental wellbeing - it is worth the time and effort. Think of it like trying to build a house if you have a solid foundation, the house will hold - if the base is cracked or made out of something like marbles or feathers, the house is just not going to stand.

Our identity is a big foundation for mental health and spending time to rediscover who we are after kids is so important to improving feelings of contentment, purpose and achievement and finding the sparkle in the day to day.